If I am a sensitive soul, I tend to be a resilient person and managed quite well my Cancer journey so far… except the scanxiety associated to PET Scans.
I am not saying it was easy but listening to my body and emotions, I could overcome quite reasonably the hurdles. Today, I support as much as possible patients around me, and decided to take a life coach certification to accompany people through transformational phases of their life. Still, I recently realized that the journey wasn’t fully over and I needed help myself. I would like to share what I learnt and how I dealt with an awful scanxiety episode.
It all started last November, in a classroom with my fellow Coaching trainees.
The facilitator asked for a volunteer to demonstrate a protocol on emotions and that was me. I eventually, took the scanxiety related to my upcoming January PET Scan as example thinking it would be an easy one. In fact, I burst into tears. A wave of panic hidden deep inside that I had refused to acknowledge so far.
How I had handled PET Scan anxiety the previous times?
For previous follow-up scans, I was always in a positive mindset: I had just completed my treatment (so the risk was minimal), I had not experienced any worrying signs, my blood tests were good, etc. Nevertheless, I always had latent stress till the results, in general, were shared in one to three days afterward.
The fear or panic would come on the day I was expecting them. Typically, I was stuck on my phone waiting for an email or WhatsApp from the nurse, in growing anxiety. The panic would come then very intensively in the last instants. My inner Little Voice would take over any rationale and start interpreting any pain in the body as potential metastasis, analyzing why the nurse had waited for x minutes before sharing the results? Is it that she doesn’t know how to share the bad news etc.?
I would keep that stress to myself and only maybe post on TheCancerMajlis some Scanxiety related content on Facebook and Instagram pages. In fact, the only precaution was to book the PET scan when my oncologist was available for a follow-up appointment 2 or 3 days after.
The other resources I had ignored or not purposely used so far
During the Coaching exercise, I listed the resources I could use to accompany me during the PET Scan anxiety phase proactively in view of the one scheduled in January. Here is the list:
I didn’t want to share my fears with my family and friends simply not to scare them. I caused enough sorrow to my husband and parents. As discussed with my medical team: how ridiculous could it be that a “survivor” shares her doubts while they work hard to save others having much more immediate reasons to worry. With my support group ladies? Imagine if we all discuss little irrational fears and eventually end up “contaminating” each other? Art, I do sculpture and recently discovered that drawing my worries helped me to let go.
In fact, let’s be real, I didn’t know I was scared, I didn’t want to admit I was that scared.
My 2020 Scanxiety plan
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The January PET Scan was a bit special because I have major long terms plans for 2020 which a relapse would totally compromise. Also, a lovely lady, mum of pre-teens, who I had met via our support group, passed away right before Christmas. Last but not least… I had pain in my left breast.
Concluding the Coaching exercise, I promised I would talk to my support group (and my colleagues from the Coaching training who had been really touched by the whole scene).
I then decided I had to acknowledge my anxiety and deal with it seriously and proactively.
- Spoke to my husband
- Admitted my fear when friends asked me about the upcoming scan
- Share my concern with my Oncologist
- Kept my Coach trainees group posted regularly
- Discussed it with my Coach
- Opened up with support groups and got a wonderful support in return. Few kept in touch regularly on a one to one and really made a difference.
- Watched “good mood” TV shows on YouTube whenever needed
- Posted on TheCancerMajlis
- Painted, sculpted, went to yoga, wrote ….and started a little scanxiety journal.
How did my Scanxiety journal help?
The scanxiety journal has been a great help.
I could just release without censure all the so-called ridiculous fears. I started it on January 2nd and stopped on February 9th. That’s long when you panic. There were three characters in this tragicomedy:
- The Little Voice: the uncontrollable inner voice that echoes, tweaks and amplifies every sign. The Little Voice is my heart, my scared guts, the former patient in me, the one part which will never heal. The trauma.
- The Brain: the smart me. The part which tries to rationalize everything. The one which tries to take control over The Little Voice. Until fears feed it so fast and with so much material that nothing can stop it.
- Me: the poor me. I was still there at the beginning, hearing, listening sometimes, balancing both until I lost the battle. I would go from The Brain to The Little Voice is half a second.
How did the 2020 Scanxiety plan work?
Good question. Not sure what to say. Stress was there however I wasn’t alone.
Also, in the absence of people around me in stressful moments (i.e. most of the time let’s face it), the journal was a great help: I could release my thoughts straight away. I simply opened a Note in my phone, nothing sophisticated. However, letting go on paper gives you some relief.
I would certainly do that again and recommend it.
All your thoughts on “paper”, without anyone to judge, tell you that you shouldn’t worry, that you should think about something else, that you are going to be fine… Call it self-counseling!
How did the PET Scan go?
Ah, Ah! Are you worried?
I am blessed and there was nothing to declare: no toe sarcoma, rib cage bone cancer, no inflammatory breast cancer, no brain tumor. I literally self-diagnosed all the previous at some point.
If I then felt relieved?
Nope. Because the sensation, discomfort, and clinical exams weren’t lying. So, I decided to investigate further to get to the bottom of it. Not because I am a hypochondriac, but because I learned you need to listen to your body.
I went to a wonderful Breast Surgeon who took me very seriously. And it felt good not to be dismissed. The rest of the story is mine but it is not Cancer, it is not life-threatening, nothing to worry about but now, I can close the chapter. Maybe even removing my Port-a-Cath.
