Inspiration Archives

August 15, 2021August 15, 2021

Post-Cancer Life Changes: From 2018 to 2021.

In October 2018, when I was about to complete my triple negative Breast Cancer treatment which involved surgery, chemo, and radiotherapy in Dubai, I knew I had to change things in my life in the post-cancer phase.

I needed to focus on what truly mattered to me. Basically, I wanted to:

Take time to think and heal
Learn new things for fun or out of interest
Share what I had learned so far (a legacy issue I assume)
Support cancer patients and be useful
Enjoy life, meet new people, have more fun experience and not waste a minute

Trusting my guts

I believe I have mentioned in a previous post that I took 3 months sabbatical between January and March 2019 during which I took my CELTA certification to learn how to teach ESL (English Second Language), a started a digital marketing course (which I completed at the end of June of that year), I took singing classes (instead of physio sessions to recover some of the lost breathing capacity after the radiation burnt my left lung). I reconnected with sculpture and painting.

During that time, I also decided that I had nothing to prove to others nor myself anymore from a professional point of view and resign from my full-time employment to come back as a freelancer in April 2019. The decision opened the door to a much more important realization: it was maybe time for us to relocate to France.

There were several reasons for that.

First, our situation in Dubai was more fragile (no safety net if hubby was ever losing his job, the price of education, housing, the issue of medical insurance, and pre-existing conditions).

Second, I wasn’t ready to let go my eldest to university 7h-flight away from us one year later. I wanted to keep the family together a bit longer, or at least not so far away. Call me mama bear if you want 😊. More seriously, part of me still lives with the fear of reoccurrence, and I needed to ensure that I would still be close to them all. Just in case. No matter how silly it sounds.

Planning the move

That decision was taken, I started getting ready and making plans. I wanted to train as a professional Coach and registered in a French institute in summer 2019. The relocation was planned for summer 2020 and I had a year to get ready: finding schools, giving notice to tenants in Paris, selling furniture, planning the refurb in Paris, finding a job so hubby would join us asap, etc.

In parallel, in Dubai, I was active with the Pink Ladies and as The Cancer Majlis, working as a freelancer as a hospitality consultant, teaching in Dubai College of Tourism, teaching French & English as a second language, and taking care of my health.

I was job hunting in the hospitality sector from Dubai when the pandemic started in January 2020. To cut the story short, I stopped sending CVs when the planet went into lockdown in March… who would employ me in hospitality?

Adjusting the sails

While the planet was coming to the realization that health was precious and debating what would be the planet’s “new normal”, I knew I just had to adjust sails to continue with our family project, just like Cancer had taught me.

We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails.

When I put on hold my job hunt, I started working on a plan B. Forget about an A-Job, I just needed work to make a living and hopefully still in line with my post Cancer treatment goals. I work on 2 websites: one about the various skills I had developed recently and that weren’t on my LinkedIn page, another to support my Coaching activity. In fact, it was also the time I was preparing my Coach certification and dissertation. The lockdown gave me a chance to focus on the preparation of the certification which I passed in April 2020. Right afterward, in May, I started contacting Hospitality schools in Paris to find a lecturer position (or various).

The last few months in Dubai were really hectic and stressful. Selling, donating our stuff in Dubai, trying to get things organized in Paris (thank God my parents were there), gathering job leads in Paris and zooming. Zooming for everything, with everyone. When I landed in Paris on July 30^thwith the 3 kids, I had everything to get sorted from an admin point of view, I had 2 hospitality schools with job leads (nothing confirmed), and I had no time to feel sorry or sad. The kids needed me, my little one in particular.

A new start

These last few months were so intense that I had no much time to think however I tried to always keep in mind my goals, never forget my health, and try to find a balance.

I worked, worked, worked, during the week. Today, I don’t have a job but various: I teach English (ESL), I teach in 2 hospitality schools (4 subjects in total in French and English), do educational engineering for one of them, I create online teaching content for another, I coach, and I am a Hospitality consultant. None of them are enough to make a living but all together they do, I learn every day and so far, it makes me happy.

On weekend, I dedicated some time to art joined by my daughter which made it even more pleasant. As you can see on my dedicated Instagram wall, I mainly enjoy sculpture and I happen to draw and paint as well. This is very relaxing and I see the healing progress: this winter I started sculpting ladies with hair!

"Painting calmed the chaos that shook my soul" - Niki de Sr Phalle

From a family life point of view, I could be there for my sons, at least did my very best. However, I truly miss my Dubai friends. I also miss Aicha (our helper for 14 years in Dubai who moved back to Indonesia) and of course, hubby. Due to the travel restrictions, work situation etc., we could only be together for 14 days in over a year… The good news is that he is joining us for good after eventually finding a job in Paris, late September.

Health

Healthwise, it has been a bit hectic but I am good.

I eventually found a medical team and I am blessed for the medical system we have in France. I have a very sweet and professional oncologist (let’s call her Dr. Charlotte) in one of the Paris public hospitals 15-minute walk away from home. I still can’t believe how lucky I am to have free medical coverage for Cancer follow-up just because of my passport.

The follow-up protocol is different than in UAE (and hospitals not as fancy) but fundamentals are there and things are done seriously and thoroughly.

In few months, I should be celebrating 3-year remission but let not say much about that yet (scanxiety here I come).

What about The Cancer Majlis?

Well, I honestly had no time to keep on posting. My brain was full and had little space to take on more. This year has been a crazy hectic year. It feels like I passed the test but I had to be reasonable to make some choices.

That being said, I didn’t find time to write or post however I did continue being involved and supporting patients. I have to admit that things didn’t go as per plan (as if they ever do!). I had in mind to continue dedicating some time to Cancer survivors as I used to in Dubai but from a distance. Unfortunately, last September, I got to know that my contribution wasn’t welcome anymore. It did hurt of course (actually, it was more of a slap in the face). I, therefore, looked for local options and found SKIN Association. The aim is to support the survivors in the living after or with Cancer through Art mentorship and projects. I didn’t feel legitimate to mentor on an art project, however, I offered 2h a week to facilitate Co-Development groups.

That being said, I promise I will post at least weekly on The Cancer Majlis Facebook and Instagram pages as of now.

I am really glad the summer break gave me a chance to catch up and reconnect.

What about my goals?

Looking back at the last few months, I must say that I am glad to say that if my life-changing totally in the last 3 years, I am absolutely aligned with my goals and happy:

Take time to think and heal: I followed my instinct, dared to bring in the change
Learn new things for fun or out of interest: Oh yes, every day. Preparing classes, jumping on new experiences, chatting or reading, trying new things
Share what I had learned so far (a legacy issue I assume): Absolutely. Teaching, supporting, mentoring, and coaching. Those who are interested and asking for help only.
Support cancer patients and be useful: Hopefully, I help and give back some of what I received when I was there on dark days.

Basically, I enjoy life, love meeting new people, having new fun experiences, leaving room and time for opportunities.

Connecting dots

The funny part of this journey is that at the beginning I could feel people were looking at me as if I had lost my sanity (“she must be on some kind of PTSD”). I didn’t know what to answer just that I wasn’t scared to follow my guts.

Some time back, an English class student (who happens to also be a Cancer survivor reminded me of the “connecting dots” speech from Steve Jobs. You might want to watch it but in essence, what he meant was that you must have the courage to follow your heart and intuition trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. He was so right: I followed my instinct and life connected the dots. Everything eventually fell into place. I am who and where I am meant to be.

To conclude, I would say that if you are at the beginning of your own journey, just be patient. What matters, is to take the required time. Don’t rush, let things mature’ Dots will eventually connect. In fact, the biggest challenge is to learn how to recognize opportunities and dare to take them.

July 18, 2019March 17, 2020

My 5th life

We sometimes hear that we have 7 lives. Well, in fact, I’m living my 5th life.

Being 5 years old I almost died from an acute peritonitis. Then, the birth of my eldest child was quite a challenge. Without science, I could also have left this world with the birth of my third one who was born with a C section (Cesarian) as she was a breach baby.

Living a bonus

After the wake up call of Cancer, I felt that I was now living a bonus. That’s what often happens when you face death. Some people didn’t have that opportunity, and I feel that being a “survivor” comes with some responsibilities.

I probably always had that urge in me to enjoy every single day of my life. It is a blessing to open the eyes in the morning.

Everyday, we are given an opportunity to learn, do good, love, build memories and teach what we know.

Legacy is not leaving something for people. It’s leaving something in people. —Peter Strople

I don’t know what is my purpose in life, what could be my legacy. Nevertheless, I feel that I have no time for hater, I have no time to waste.

A psychologist would probably say that I go through a kind of Cancer post traumatic syndrome. Yep. Maybe. Surely.

Someone who never went through a live changing experience might not get it.

How Cancer increased my thirst for life?

Well, let me try to explain…

First, the Cancer diagnosis, you are told that you have a life threatening illness. Some lucky ones like me that made it through thanks to today’s medicine. It doesn’t mean that it was easy. Actually, you are caught into a race or better said, a marathon that will take every single bit of strength and energy, mentality and physically. No time to think.

Then, hopefully, you’ll be told the treatment is completed and here comes the contradictions. This is the post Cancer phase. When you should be happy but you need to watch out…. there are still risks of relapse. So Doctors tell you to live your life and not to worry. And they will check on you, regularly. And you have the stress of scan and blood test results. Every single time.

So, you wish to move on but not as easy as it seems.

Survivorship challenges

Also, comes another “problem” as highlighted recently by a friend. How to move on and leave behind the dear friends we made in the way that are still in treatment? Survivorship comes with guilt in some cases. Maybe this is one of the reason, most of us feel the need, the urge to give back to the community who helped us.

Then, for some the trauma was such that it is hard to feel part of the same groups than “before”. We belong to the Cancer community, moving on or not. The scars are there.

So, for many of us, there is a sense of urgency. To enjoy to the fullest that bonus. To honor the ones who did not make it. As a sign of gratitude. And for ourselves. Just in case.

All about Now.

It might sound exhausting but not really if it is not pathological. At least in my case, Cancer also taught me acceptance and the importance of living the present. If you read previous blog posts, you will remember that it was part of my chemo and treatment approach. One day at a time. It didn’t change.

I make sure I have no regret. No procrastination. That drives me insane. Let’s put that way, if I always waited to do or try something, I do. Now.

February 26, 2019February 26, 2019

Post Cancer

Since mid April 2018 when doctors explained me my treatment plan, I put all my energy and focus into getting through keeping my life. I didn’t want Cancer to interfere to a greater extend than the treatment would require. I did my very best to keep active socially, professionally, as a mum, as a wife, as a daughter or sister. Of course, it is a bit naive as the treatment takes some space but I welcomed it as part of my new life, not as a burden.

When I completed the chemo cycles, I got ready for radiation and was still dealing with heavy side effects. Honestly, looking back I don’t think I realized the big chunk of the treatment phase was over. Half way through radiation, I started looking a bit more ahead and projecting myself in a longer timeline that today or tomorrow. Strange enough, this period was the most difficult for me.

First, people around me were happy and started telling me everything was over but I wasn’t ready for it. Going for treatment is actually reassuring. You do something to heal, to avoid relapse. The end of treatment meant leaving my fate into the hands of the universe. Insha’Allah as we say here, it won’t come back. This is quite tough to accept. The wait-and-see approach is not my cup of tea. I remember asking my Oncologist to do more chemo. [For a quick rewind, targeted treatments and hormonotherapies have no effect on my type of cancer (triple negative).] Had you ever heard of someone begging for chemo? I didn’t feel I had completed the treatment but stopped it. That was scary.

Karma

Then, karma made that I coincidentally reconnected with people I had lost contact for few years but had recently lost loved ones to Cancer (children and spouse). I could just empathize. I could understand part of what they went through but being a patient is probably easier than a caregiver. We had sincere emotional conversations but it didn’t scare me. Some people had advised me against to protect me but every single patient knows what could be the end of the cancer journey. If karma had put them back in my life it was for a reason. On my side, I felt more than ever the urge to live to the fullest and give back. Be grateful. Contribute. Maybe in a way, deserve my fate.

Perspective

Also, it is difficult to go back into a certain normality and see people around you wasting their life. See how many people are complaining for small issues, putting all their energy into activities or jobs that they don’t truly enjoy or take pride of doing, sacrificing today in the hope of a good tomorrow. I am not stupid, we all need an income but when it is at the cost of (mental) health the situation needs to be reassessed. Cancer gives you so much perspective that it is difficult to care again for small matters. Everything seems insignificant.

Fearless or almost

Last, Cancer was a step in my life and changed it. I know I tried to minimize disruptions but first the first lesson on the happiness journey is to welcome positive changes. I can’t say a Cancer was positive however the impact of my life was. Let me explain, going back to your life afterwards is not easy. After slaps in the face like these, you have a different perspective and your past life might not suit you any more. Not that you fundamentally changed, just that some of the concessions you had done over the years are now unacceptable.

That was my case, I liked my job but I wanted more. I didn’t know what exactly however it was just fulfilling some of my aspirations but not enough, not all of them. Suddenly, I was more scared to go back to that life than risking to reconsider it all and be open for what the future would bring. Fearless or almost.

Work in Progress

I decided to follow my intuition and trust my future. Today, I am work in progress, under (re)construction.

I started working seriously on The Cancer Majlis while ongoing radiation treatment, few days after reconnecting with my former colleagues. I launched it very soon afterwards.
I authorized myself to take some time off to reflect and digest that chapter. I discussed few options at work. I sincerely was ready to resign if needed as I knew it was vital to step back. Everything but depressed, however I needed to take the time. Thankfully, we could agree on a sabbatical leave.
I searched for training courses that I had thought of registering to few years back without having the guts to do it. That would occupy part of my sabbatical. I loved the idea of challenging myself and stepping out of my comfort zone.
I slowed down. I go more often out for lunch, coffee, dinner with friends. Working or not, rich or poor, we can all do that.

I planned to resume hobbies I had left aside during my sabbatical. I am back to sculpture. Santa brought me brushes and watercolors. I always said I would try. Who cares if I am good at it or not? Art therapy time!
I traveled 10 days alone. Walked the streets, went to museums, cinema, saw my family back home. I needed that retreat trip. I traveled with my family too. Just us and quality time.

I decided to take care of myself and face the post cancer body and mind.
- Of course, there is the tight follow up which includes tumor marker blood tests every three months, PET Scan every six months for two or three years. Now, I also refer to the support treatments.
- Yoga, Physiotherapy and Osteopathy to help with joint pain, rib cage and scar pain and stiffness, breathing issues, and back pain, though some require to wait for six months post radiation.
- Some acupuncture also.
- Emotionally, I needed to deal with negative feelings such as scanxiety (fear of relapse related to follow up scans and tests), and guilt towards my family too. I did with EFT which I discovered thanks to a friend met at the hospital.

I decided to explore opportunities, to be open, see what life had to offer me. Amazingly, I met a load of new people, learnt a lot about me and the others. I see now many more opportunities than pre-Cancer. In fact, my fears and self imposed boundaries are gone.

Bucket list

Post Cancer is difficult. There is no such a thing as going back to your life where you had left it, or forgetting. No patient can do that without risking a depression afterwards. We need to reflect, swallow and learn how to continue our journey considering our scars. Regrowing hair, port-a-cath, pains, new body in general, are there in the mirror to remind us we shouldn’t take anything for granted.

I always was “that kinda people” who smile when they see a beautiful sunset, pause to listen to a bird singing, aren’t ashamed to shed tears of happiness. Slowing down gave me more chances to live moments like these. I am still not sure what my purpose in life is meant to be, however, I am not waiting for happiness, not waiting for tomorrow to enjoy life.

I don’t have all answers. Life is not perfect but it is beautiful and worth living to the fullest. My sabbatical leave is busy and I love it. What will happen? Don’t know. Will I relapse or not, don’t know. Of course, as I promised myself when I got diagnosed, one day I will be grandma and will do the needful. But it is not about living long, it is about living and enjoying every bit of it, making it worth. I work on my bucket list, not because I will die soon but because I am alive.

February 16, 2019March 17, 2020

I am not Sporty, but felt the urge to keep my body active

When I hear fit, I clearly imagine people in shape, running in the coolest sport outfit available. Basically, not me. I am not sporty, not in “that” shape and I would only consider running in case of fire…. In fact, the only physical activity I like is yoga and I practice it for the peace of mind it brings me.

How does that make sense or relate to a website (www.cancerfit.me) encouraging people to keep moving during their Cancer treatment? Not much, I admit. Nevertheless, these months of chemo and radiations post lumpectomy where the first ones in my life when I felt the urge to keep my body active.

Living in UAE, due to the limited annual paid sick leave days allowed, I worked full time during the treatment. I also tried to maintain a mini social life and at the top of the priority list, I tried to be a mum for my three kids. That kept me busy though I didn’t have the strength to attend yoga classes.

Why?

So why do I say I felt the urge of keeping my body active? Well, I intuitively realized that my side effects (joint pain, neuropathy to mention few) were more bearable if I had walked. And I “forced” myself to go for walks daily even in the post chemo days. Even for 20 minutes. Even if these 20 minutes would exhaust me and result in a 2 hours nap. My body aches were less intense. Also, besides the benefits of keeping my brain active, working limited my immediate chemo brain impact. It forced me to remain organize, do lists, set agendas, plan and basically keep going. I don’t know why but intuitively I know that’s these walks helped my focus. Don’t ask, I just know it.

As soon as I finished the treatment, I attended a Cancer recovery yoga session lead by a fellow cancer survivor. Gosh, that felt good. I was sore, stiff, had lost my balance due to the neuropathy but week after week my body woke up. In 2 months time, I could attend a normal yoga class. I cried being back. Moving like a beginner but I completed the 90 min despite my giraffe legs. Two months later, I still feel I move like a beginner but with 10 years experience and much more wisdom and respect for my body.

In a nutshell…

We all have our own ways to help our body during these tough moments. No matter what we choose as activity, the main point here is not to give up. To follow our instinct. To honor our body. To prepare for the recovery. To be body and soul.

Published in www.cancerfit.me, February 2019

October 11, 2018April 12, 2019

What to say to Cancer patients?

Cancer is taboo. Cancer is still associated to death and the fear of the illness can sometimes lead to uneasy reactions. It is a very scary diagnosis for the patient and so it is for the family, friends, colleagues and people around. The difference is that the patient has to deal with it, the others have the choice.

From the patient perspective

We all heard about fellow patients or experienced ourselves “strange” reactions.
In the vast majority of the cases, family and friends are not just supportive but literally hold you in your moments of down.

It is obvious that it isn’t easy for them to hear the bad news. I know of patients whose partner runaway, some others had colleagues avoiding them. This is maybe extreme however it is a fact that in many instances, people don’t know how to react when someone they know is diagnosed.

In my case, since I was fine and somehow accepted the situation quite fast, whenever I sensed a friend was uncomfortable, I tried to ease their approach. I often called the ones who had sent me messages. Just to reassure them, just to say I was fine and we could have a normal chat. Yes, I was treated for Cancer and could openly talk about it but Cancer wouldn’t define me. But for some the fear of what our baldness represents is too stressful. I covered my bald hair for them more than for me. I felt that, sometimes, they were surprised by my reaction, maybe they were expecting me to react with more negatively. They just didn’t know how to deal with my smile.

Then, there are the reactions from the people who find out by coincidence seeing you bald with no eyebrows etc. Scenarios vary in that case:

Some genuinely don’t recognize you and empathize eventually with kind words,
Some get quite emotional as you remind them bad memories and will touch your heart with a sincere response,
Finally, the ones who pretend they didn’t see you and will send you a note afterwards (or not) when they will have found the appropriate words.

Angels

I never had negative reactions from strangers actually. In fact, I happened to experience true and sincere kindness since my diagnosis. Some made the most stressful days, much easier than they could have been.

When people I knew hid from me, I tried to understand their reactions but it did hurt… and I happened to be irritated. Good friends reminded me to be patient with people around me, give them time and space to accept my new look, but I felt it was odd. Maybe a bit selfish or inconsiderate. I know that if they didn’t appreciate me, they wouldn’t care and have defensive reactions. I know. I know but still, I would rather have someone genuinely reacting in an emotional manner or being straight forward than someone hiding, avoiding me. It is painful to see that they made the choice to run away.

Sometimes, karma puts some people on your way for a reason and I met few real Angels… Once, I had a quick chat with ladies in a café and out of the blue, one of them stood and gave me a silent generous hug realizing why I had a turban.

In fact, a small act of kindness can make such a difference so let me suggest few things.

What to say? What to do?

If you find out that a friend, family member, colleague is being treated for Cancer.

By the word of mouth….

If you heard a friend, colleague, family member got diagnosed with Cancer, don’t hesitate to reach out in any way.

You might not know what to say but just remember that what matters is the most is your presence, the intention. A small email, message, card, flowers, a phone call or any friendly gesture is great. And it’s never too late.

In a face to face encounter…

If you see a friend or colleague that you haven’t seen for a while, bald, no eyebrows, etc. Don’t be embarrassed, don’t avoid the contact. Just approach him or her and say hi. Ask how do they feel today. The rest will flow. If you are embarrassed, a silent hug or hand check will do. In any case, be sincere and just remember that there are many ways to touch someone’s heart.

Be brave and choose to be an Angel….

September 7, 2018March 17, 2020

Kintsugi

Accepting our mended body & soul

Some time back, in one of my google micro-moments, I landed on that inspirational image. It might be destiny, karma, luck, coincidence… never mind it resonated.

Category: Inspiration