survivor Archives

We sometimes hear that we have 7 lives. Well, in fact, I’m living my 5th life.

Being 5 years old I almost died from an acute peritonitis. Then, the birth of my eldest child was quite a challenge. Without science, I could also have left this world with the birth of my third one who was born with a C section (Cesarian) as she was a breach baby.

Living a bonus

After the wake up call of Cancer, I felt that I was now living a bonus. That’s what often happens when you face death. Some people didn’t have that opportunity, and I feel that being a “survivor” comes with some responsibilities.

I probably always had that urge in me to enjoy every single day of my life. It is a blessing to open the eyes in the morning.

Everyday, we are given an opportunity to learn, do good, love, build memories and teach what we know.

Legacy is not leaving something for people. It’s leaving something in people. —Peter Strople

I don’t know what is my purpose in life, what could be my legacy. Nevertheless, I feel that I have no time for hater, I have no time to waste.

A psychologist would probably say that I go through a kind of Cancer post traumatic syndrome. Yep. Maybe. Surely.

Someone who never went through a live changing experience might not get it.

How Cancer increased my thirst for life?

Well, let me try to explain…

First, the Cancer diagnosis, you are told that you have a life threatening illness. Some lucky ones like me that made it through thanks to today’s medicine. It doesn’t mean that it was easy. Actually, you are caught into a race or better said, a marathon that will take every single bit of strength and energy, mentality and physically. No time to think.

Then, hopefully, you’ll be told the treatment is completed and here comes the contradictions. This is the post Cancer phase. When you should be happy but you need to watch out…. there are still risks of relapse. So Doctors tell you to live your life and not to worry. And they will check on you, regularly. And you have the stress of scan and blood test results. Every single time.

So, you wish to move on but not as easy as it seems.

Survivorship challenges

Also, comes another “problem” as highlighted recently by a friend. How to move on and leave behind the dear friends we made in the way that are still in treatment? Survivorship comes with guilt in some cases. Maybe this is one of the reason, most of us feel the need, the urge to give back to the community who helped us.

Then, for some the trauma was such that it is hard to feel part of the same groups than “before”. We belong to the Cancer community, moving on or not. The scars are there.

So, for many of us, there is a sense of urgency. To enjoy to the fullest that bonus. To honor the ones who did not make it. As a sign of gratitude. And for ourselves. Just in case.

All about Now.

It might sound exhausting but not really if it is not pathological. At least in my case, Cancer also taught me acceptance and the importance of living the present. If you read previous blog posts, you will remember that it was part of my chemo and treatment approach. One day at a time. It didn’t change.

I make sure I have no regret. No procrastination. That drives me insane. Let’s put that way, if I always waited to do or try something, I do. Now.

Who am I? Am I a patient, a survivor, a fighter? From the beginning of my Cancer journey when reading resources available to find answers to the million questions I had, I read all these words defining “us”, “me”. Strange enough, I couldn’t relate to these words and still struggle to…

Not that I’m in denial, just that I pay attention to words as they truly matter to me.

Fighter?

Well, I don’t think I am a fighter. Because, I don’t feel I fought. I handled the situation as I could. I tried to keep up, to respect my body for all what it was going through. A Cancer treatment is a marathon. In my views, for months, sometimes years, patients undergo harsh treatments to eliminate sick cells produced by their bodies. So, how can I possibly fight my own body? Was Cancer hiding in my body like a Trojan horse? In the same lexical field, then should I say that side effects are collateral damage. That’s a word that a Doctor told me once. But, I’m not a warrior and my body isn’t a battle field.

Survivor??

Not really. I don’t know. A survivor is in my mind someone who should have died. Maybe, I am a bit in denial: since the diagnosis I am aware of my mortality but never felt I was getting that close to death. That being said, if I go by the dictionary definition maybe I should not reject that word so abruptly. A survivor is someone who overcame a situation. In that case, it means that I made it. But did I? Are we sure? When will I be sure? In one, three or five years? I do my upmost to be a survivor and cross fingers (and toes!).

Patient.

Undeniably, I am or was a patient. Strange enough, I never felt ill, just weak due to side effects for few days in each chemo cycle but not I’ll. I even refused to wear the gown in the hospital. Of course, I had no choice when admitted through ER but fast hubby would bring me comfy clothes. Yes, during admissions I would shower daily, dress up for the day and put pajamas for the night. Back to the vocabulary, yes, I was a Cancer patient.

What about brave and courageous?

So, what else? Some kindly told me I was “brave”. I know they meant something nice and always understood the intention while trying to explain them I wasn’t.

Brave

Brave is a person who chooses to take a challenge. I didn’t choose anything. I had no choice. If I could have, I would have run away. Thrown the hot potato somewhere else (not to anyone else though). Seriously, who wants a Cancer to prove anything to the world?

Courageous

Once, a wonderful lady reworded and told me I was right and she should’ve said I was courageous. Fair, I handled a situation with a smile. I didn’t give up. Even after moments of down, I would wake up and try hard again. Now, I don’t know anyone who did give up. None of my fellow cancer patients did. Not that we are super heroes, just that hardship forces you to pull resources you didn’t know you had in you.

Why am I so concerned about words?

This might sound like a detail to you however I met many patients who shared similar views. Words are shaping our thoughts; they reflect a paradigm when shared with the rest of the world. Words can’t be withdrawn. They have the power to lift you up or break your heart.

Think about the words used for end of life.

Some words can really hurt.

I feel bad when I read that someone who died from Cancer “lost his / her fight”. For God sake, this is not a game with winners or losers. This is not a battle. To fight, we would need to have weapons, to see the enemy. No one loses. No one is a loser. This doesn’t sound right…. Same applies to “succumb to the disease”. In both cases, it feels that the patient was not strong enough, willing to live. I wouldn’t want anyone to write something like that about me. Sometimes flourish language doesn’t make us any favor. People die from Cancer. There is no word to embellish that, none will that will help to honor their memory.

Doctor words

Some the same reasons, the words used by Oncologists have the greatest importance. I must say, treated in Dubai I had no bad experience in that aspect but heard horrific stories.

Mine were always careful with their words. No over promises, factual but comforting, caring. Some friends weren’t that lucky to say the least. I won’t waste time and energy giving too much space to these, my only advice would be: change. Go to a Doctor who will respect you as human being. This must be a long-term relationship based on trust. Words matter.

Wrapping up

Words shape our thoughts & emotions - quote

Bottom line, I don’t know what I am.

I was a patient, hopefully a survivor. I take that I have been courageous most of the days.

Sometimes, to make it easier, I say I’m a Cancer survivor. People need boxes to define you. So be it.

I know not all patients might share my views. These are all very personal thoughts. We just need to be mindful of what we say, when and to whom. If you have friends going through this journey, keep in mind that your words can impact them more than you think.

Cancer

My purpose isn’t to advocate for new words as hopefully, we won’t need to add new vocabulary to define better lives touched by Cancer. In fact, hopefully, and the sooner the better, thanks to research, the Cancer word itself will be out of our dictionary.

Tag: survivor

My 5th life